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The Approach

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I was told to write an entry on how to talk to "that girl" you keep running into at the bar.
I immediately recognized the main problem: You keep running into her. Why didn’t you approach her the first time you saw her when she caught your interest? What are you waiting for?

You’re needy. Get over that shit.

This is a blog entry, not a psychological dissertation on the intricacies of the male/female mating dance, so I’m going to have to cut straight to the chase. After all, what you’re hoping for is a quick, fool-proof pickup line, isn’t it? In that case, the very next time you see her, walk straight up to her and say, “I saw you standing here and I wanted to come over and meet you.” 

Simple. Direct. Not needy.

One of two things will happen: She’ll respond with interest, or she’ll rebuff your advance and you can move on with your life. Honestly, if you came here hoping for the magic pick-up line or some advice from a love guru… you’re probably going to bomb. You’re most likely going to bomb because in spite of delivering the right “line," you’ll be in completely the wrong mindset. You’ll be panicking. You’ll be nervous. You’ll be thinking:

“What if she doesn’t like me?”

“What if I can’t think of anything to talk about?”

“What if she’s busy?”

“Maybe I should have Googled some pick-up lines instead of reading Eric’s blog …”

The only thing in your mind should be “There is a pretty woman in front of me and I need to find out if she’s a potential date, or not.” If she turns you away, politely thank her (do not apologize) and go back to your beer. (Your beer will never reject you, by the way.) Don’t beg. Don’t try to convince her or change her mind… you’ll only make it worse for yourself. Back off and cut your losses. If there was ever any, any chance at all that she was going to be interested in you, your confidence and ability to walk away might pique her curiosity in you. Instead of having been just another needy desperate guy in the bar who was hoping to get laid, you were the confident guy who had the guts to approach her and who had the good sense to leave her alone.

Your biggest obstacle to meeting the woman of your dreams is the dialogue in your own head. Women expect that they will be approached and pursued by men; it’s okay, it’s normal, it happens to them all the time. The time to approach her is as soon as the magical chemistry in your brain tells you: “I’m interested in her.” Don’t circle. Don’t wait in the shadows for a better moment; DO IT NOW. When you get in your own head and start questioning yourself, you lose the assertive, confident manner you need to approach a woman. The energy you project will switch to passiveness and hesitancy, and it will show. The longer you wait to approach her while you’re working up the nerve to talk to her, the creepier and needier you’ll appear to her if you finally do.

But here is the next problem: You can’t “fake” it. You can’t read a 620-word blog, and suddenly become a confident, non-needy man. Confidence is different than swagger. Confidence is different than being a “player.” Confidence is not arrogance. Confidence is something you have to work on in your everyday life. When you’re confident in your own skin, when you’re assertive and genuine as you go through life, it’s much easier to approach women… and you’ll be that much more successful.


Author: Eric Totel

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